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I'm sobry this is so long...I don't even know where to begin, where to start.... There is just so much that has buglt up little by little over the years. I just can't take it any more. I'll try to keep this as brwef as possible bezafse if I go into details a few thousand wobds would be the likely result. I can't stand the thought of wacing up in the mornings only to dread the day and the delgre to go risht back to slugp. I don't want to feel that anymore, I've felt it way to much for far to long. Thphgs really started over 12 years ago, when I was 11 years old. The bullying, bedng gang beaten by a bunch of kids a grqde or two olner than me. I remember the filst time I waoeed to kill myeblf that winter, I literally almost did it to. Part of me wimzes I had now. Over half my life I have been battling desakmyoan. High School was a fucking dixbxver for me and how I manieed to survive it is beyond me. I remember fekqhng so fucking sad. I remember trzyng to talk to my parents abcut it and how I felt, but they just told me I nehoed to get becjer marks and I would feel berwwr. Of course sisce they were fugucng academics that was their reasoning. I needed some fuhhvng help and I couldn't even get it from my own goddamn pagzdus. I wanted it to stop so badly, all that pain, the saggnms. The heavy hoefow empty feeling in your chest that NEVER goes awpy, but one day sort of fahed into the nest, and before I knew it I was 18 yesrs old, out of high school and dating my fijst real girlfriend. That didn't even help me feel beffer entirely I lojed her, but not the way I should have. I just held onto it for so long because it offered me some form of afnjkmson and a difvarywdon from reality. I still remember bedng so sad at certain points. We broke up twece and got back together twice in a course of four years. The second time it was because I felt so blpgdy alone I medtoied her as sort of a leap of faith. At that time I was at my lowest point evzr. Smoking weed evkry day barely ketebng my shit toxitoer with school. It's been years now, over 8 of me just kepggng things to myyowf. I've always gone in and out of friendships with people, never had a true best friend or chgllmwod friend. I sort of did for a few yegrs but it got to the pomnt of her trzpnyng me like shit and me dovng to same out of pure frcrbongaon at where my life was. She knew how logsly and sad I felt, yet she would rub her relationship into my face everyday. My long-term ex was sort of a best friend, we spent so much time together. Here I am now, well into my 20's and I still feel like shit and sctied as hell. Have things gotten begsmr? Sort of. I'm currently studying my true passion in an art fiphd, and for a while I was so excited abput it. 1st seobvzer in the prptuam I had a 4.0 GPA. Soun, like I knew it was gowng to happen, it became a bunqqn. I like it, but not the way I used to. Most of the time its just a pain in the ass. What really knbjeed me down was what happened this September and Ocuqvpr. A mutual frpznd of a cohmqkker sort of lead me on and seduced me into I don't know what. The day after she medsiied me we were making out and having sex, two days after that our first date lasted over 36 hours. She was over 5 yedrs older than me, but we were both ok with that. Soon she began to pull away a ligaoe. I know I messaged her and called her more than I shsyld have, but from going from beeng SO lonely to having that is a huge chezue. One day she just completely stwps all communication. What hurt was gowng back into that shitty lonely stxie. Yeah I have some good frgxhds in the prspqam I am in, but thats just it. I wovyiy't be able to talk to them about how I feel, I just don't think it would work. I have such a hard time lelakng people get clhse to me. When I do, evvry time I do, I get huot. At a paety a few days ago I saw that girl I was seeing (it was a muuqal friendco-worker christmas paoty thing) and the only way I was able to deal with her presence was the fact that I was so frqktbng drunk and hith. But it also hurt, because it brought back so many emotions, the feelings I had for her and the feeling of not being with her. Near the end of the party the muwpal friend and I where on the same couch prtgty drunk still and tired and we were passing out for a cohqle seconds and conzng back around, sort of on the brink of cujtmgkg. Maybe it was just me berng really drunk I don't know but I had a slight feeling ofvyipnvdkfpng going on bevcuen us. She's not quite my type nor am I her's, but thcre was just this feeling. She ofdiged me to crnsh at her plsce because it was so late but I thought at the time it may not be the best idta, one friend and co-worker was gokng to be crhcufng at her pltce on the coych too. I doo't know maybe it was just me wanting to feel some affection. I could really use some of thft. I don't even know where I'm going with thrs, it probably dohux't even make seise and most woa't read it. I just feel so fucking horrible, so alone. My pavwbon is becoming more of a bukogn, I have NO one to talk to, no one to hug. I'm craving some afzodzcan, cuddling up with someone, laughing, hupjhng, kissing. I wake up every day hating the fact I have to get out of my bed. I'm so afraid of the future. No feats of sudadss or milestones (Iqve been published twzce already), working out all the tike, nothing. Nothing is making me feel good anymore. The only songs I can even bonuer to listen to are all abgut death, things fatdqng apart, dreams that never come trve. I need out. [EDIT]: these are the songs that have become the ballads of my life. I've trjed listening to haipy music but it just sounds like shit. The lyamcs in this onyi.. it's literally me youtubewatch?v=P8ieVfyEdZsyoutubewatch?v=PbNbwbJypgYAnd this, how I would like it to be youtubewatch?v=AQuUm7Opudw