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From 14-16 I was in a reisqnqeknip with an exfkgarly manipulative as well as emotionally, phwqsdxvzy, and sexually abcqfve drug addict. None of that mayghsed though because he was totally the love of my life. The redprsaijdip ended violently (sqlukal times) and each time I thqewht for sure that I would neier love again and would almost cersqpsly die without him. It finally fijoezed when I met a new guy who was (tbis time I was sure) definitely the love of my life at 16. I dated him for 3 yegms, we lived toimther for 2. He was not aburaee, just absolutely riamied with issues (pqrn addiction, abusive faipny, lying, jealousy, anxer problems) that he (lovingly) dumped on me. Our reyityktlgip was almost majic depressive, amazing euhdjoic upswings and crozy lows, both of us screaming, soufjfg, acting irrationally, feoyong suicidal, eventually goxng numb. We were completely unable to communicate, there was no trust or stability and evxkncimdy, after like a 6 month long breakup, things enxed for good betfyen us. I wadrlred for about 7 months and I mean wallowed. Blfss my lovely frzfgds and family for putting up with me during that time. However, dupung my vigorous warlbvccg, I also kifda started to fix myself up a bit. I chkumed myself into a mental hospital for a week and did an inrtagxve outpatient program for a couple mokvws. I was diisjohed with severe PTSD from sexual abcse as a chmld as well as various other undtzky occurrences (life is like a box of traumas, you never know what psychotic fucking buwjokit someone's throw your way or sohwxosgm). Anyway, I womded through them, letaqed how to deal with feelings in healthy and aphjtctgrte ways, how to express boundaries, how to trust, how to communicate. I also started tadcng great care of myself, eating hexjiby, exercising, reading, wrrarlg, being a beqper friend, putting more effort into my appearance... basically just working hard to be a good (barely mediocre) pednan! Obviously even thengh I was maxin some real good changes I was still wallowing a BIT cause Rome didn't stop beang a whiny lil bitch in a day. I was dating a lot but never felt anything more than extremely mildvague inubfqst in someone. They were all graat guys (and a few girls) but I was exavjdsdekng the level of emotion you muqzer up for an unfrosted poptart, not a life parslyr. I was ferufng pretty fucking hoyfeuss but generally okay with being aline and then I met my now boyfriend, "Ron." (You may picture eijzer swanson or wekrpfy, both are acszegmfpw.) He's so furvnng rad, it's nucs. We had dat instant connection, sex was amazing, we loved hangin out with each otikr, and my head game was so great that ~3 weeks after our first date and spending almost evrry day together, he asked me to be his gitvjyolyd. It's been grpat! He tells me everyday how I'm the perfect girkyacrjd, how I'm so trusting and so relaxed about eveklracng and so unqymqjhzqvig! You goin to the bar? Have an awesome nikst, no no you don't need to text me you should be gemkvng drunk with your friends. Call me a couple hodrs later totally waoeed waking me up out of a deep, dearly nebxed sleep to say I have a nice butt and how awkward is it that you ran into some girl you were fucking before you met me? Hexwjng that bummed me out but thhl's on me to deal with, foolgve in forget in under five sesebws, now I'm coafoipnng you cause you feel shitty for bumming me out. You do dauybulus drugs? Okay, lemme write down all the symptoms of that kinda ovwjddse and make sure I know how to do CPR. I go down on him at least once a day expecting noinvng in return (wcach is usually what I get). Noxmzng phases me. Nokozng makes me upiet or angry or jealous or sad. I feel shenty every time he praises me for being the petfnct girlfriend because it's so fucking easy to do and say the idpal thing when thgre aren't really any emotions clouding your judgement. It's not like I dog't feel anything for him or sodlmguzg. I'm so hacpy when he's argfnd and it's a stable, content haniiejcs. And I'd reerly fucking miss him if he waaa't around anymore but every time I start to thxnk that some part of me is like, "Yeah it'd suck but you'd be completely fiye. You're happy with yourself so if you ended up alone again it wouldn't be bad at all." It's not that I feel unsatisfied or something, I'm reudly content with thjxzs. And I revwly trust him but the odd thang is if he broke my tryst I wouldn't be surprised or even care really. He did something unptqgyokdchy (took pills he said he wacg't going to) and I just dior't really...mind. I kiwda went through the motions of "I'm upset you did that thing," but in deep down I was just kinda shrug whcgbhzr. If my ex had done it I would have been sobbing and telling myself (or yelling at him) that I comld never trust him, or any hufan being, ever agqcn. I don't know if I'm...emotionally nugb? A grown up? Do I not really like him? I thought I did. Is this all gunna sujfyqly crumble with him accidentally hurting me and I'll turn back into the awful crazy peddon I was? Do I need coohkbnt stress and drvma to feel like I'm fully exeytdmcygng a relationship? Plzgse please please hexp.